Wednesday, June 12, 2013

an uphill battle

a little less than a year ago i blogged about the weight gain. the reasons behind it. and announced my goal. now here i am having rejoined weight watchers and then giving up on weight watchers (a post i have sitting in my drafts waiting to hit publish on. soon. promise). sitting at my highest weight in 5+ years. not my highest ever. but highest since losing over 40 pounds in 2007 and another 15 in 2011.

its an uphill battle. a couple weekends ago, i was incredibly down about it. couldn't hardly focus on anything or enjoy the weekend at all because i just kept thinking about the weight. why i put it on. how sad/disappointed/frustrated/bummed/miserable i am that i went from my lowest weight since i was 10 back up 35 pounds. mike kept asking me what was wrong but i felt like a broken record talking about this so i just kept saying nothing.

finally he got it out of me.

i feel like i'm standing at the bottom of a hill. staring up. knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that i have to climb this hill. and that i want to climb it now. but not knowing even a little bit how to go about doing it.

i don't know what it is about the second time around that has proved so difficult for me. i know people who lost, had babies and gained, and lost it again less than 6 months after. and i think its amazing. but if i'm honest, its depressing too. why can't i do it? and i don't even have a cute chubby baby to show for the gain. just a divorce. living with parents twice since. a new relationship. and too much freedom to eat whatever i want when i want it. because m wants me to be happy more than skinny. i love him for it. but being skinny will make me happy.

and dammit i love food. i wish i was one of those people that didn't eat when i am stressed or depressed or just had a bad day. but its the opposite for me. its like permission to have those oreos that have been staring me in the face. (have i mentioned my love for oreos?! favorite food ever. and ONE is 55 calories. gag.)

besides the second time being so difficult to do physically, it has been one of the most difficult emotional battles of my life. i don't even know how to express how hard it is emotionally for me. i think about it all. day. long. literally. i can't stand looking in the mirror. i wear the same 5 shirts because they are big enough to fit and nothing else is. i refuse to buy fat clothes because gosh darnit, i don't need them! i will lose this shit!

i cry about it all the time. i have complete emotional anxiety attacks about it probably once a week. i come up with a new game plan every other week. i try. and i fail. something comes up all the time. we are moving. its the holidays. we're moving again. new jobs. blah blah blah

i decide i can lose the weight one minute and then the next succumb to being fat forever. i hate posting pictures of myself because i am humiliated by the gain. everyone says "what fat" and i just think, i'm hiding it better than you realize. spanx. double tanktops. loose tops. whatever it takes.

i want to sit in sweatpants all day and never leave the house. i want to hide under the covers where no one can tell.

the hardest part about the second time is remembering the first time. before i lost the weight the first time, i had been fat for most of my life. i played softball as a kid but at 10, after a horrible situation with a coach, i quit. and stopped playing sports altogether. the weight started creeping up fast. its in my genes so it was natural and i paid little attention to it. i always knew i was overweight and didn't like going shopping with friends because it was embarrassing but i never paid much attention to how overweight i actually was.

a picture played a big factor in me starting weight watchers among other things but even then, it wasn't until i lost over 40 pounds and then looked back at old pictures that i realized just how overweight i had been all my life.

when you lose a significant amount of weight, you gain confidence. its natural. for once i was excited to go shopping. i felt good leaving the house. i actually wanted my picture taken instead of avoiding it or hiding behind someone skinnier. the point it is i remember how good skinny felt for me.

those memories make this the hardest emotional battle ever.

the day that i weighed in at my lowest weight ever happened to be a day i was taking a trip to tahoe for the day. i climbed up this mountain to what is supposedly the highest point to look out over lake tahoe from. and i felt so good about myself that day. it wasn't a particularly good day in my marriage but i can't even fully remember why because i just remember how amazing i felt.

i was wearing tight, short jean shorts and a tight, fitting pink top and i had just climbed to the top of a mountain without a care in the world and i felt on top of the world. my stomach was flat. i wasn't adjusting every 5 seconds to hide something. i felt fit. and i was so proud of myself. that was the main thing.

i just want that feeling back. so badly. but i have yet to find a system that works for me. and there have been so many life difficulties since gaining it back i struggle to stay on track for a long enough period of time. and i'm not being self-disciplined enough to push through those life difficulties without gaining back the 5 pounds i just fought to lose.

i am struggling. that's the moral of this whiny story.

i didn't mean to sound all self-pity-y. i hope i didn't. but this is real. this is what my everyday feels and looks like. this is what i hide from everyone but mike. this is the real stuff about having shitty metabolism and bad genes and having life knock you down a few too many times and the weight taking a hit accordingly. i wish my weight wasn't always so affected by life's ups and downs but that's me i guess.

i just have to find a way to overcome it and push past it. i have to find it in myself again to get there. this time without weight watchers. stay tuned for the reasons why...


Marta M said...

I fell you so much. During the last two years I had so much stress that I went from the thiniest in my life to - even when pregnant I did not weight so much. I struggle too, a lot, and for me one slip means a big drop . It sucks ass. What I would suggest is to go shopping. I know the fat clothes. But buy yourself geans that do not show off the muffin top, buy something that will make you feel better about yourself and let the tag be a motivator to get out there, smile and bust your ass. Cause the more terrible you look the more sad you are the more you eat. Wait I am talking about myself not you. Break the vicious cycle. Get yourself a clothes and start working out. I can be your working out buddy if you would is so much better to have someone that strugles as you are, cause they absolutely know how you feel, and sometimes no words are said but it is out there. I have 60 pounds to lose, sad and pitiful I know especially that I wonder how and when did it happen. But it did It sucks. So I get up now, and log in the food before I eat it. My cell phone became my best friend.

I feel you. Like totally.

Megan Ashley said...


You can do this again, you will make the changes you want!!! I feel it girl :) You're so strong and sharing this is anything but easy I am sure. Let me be your little push and motivator. I can help you with this struggle and you can lean on me through it 110%. Email me and we can talk about things a little more. But trust me girl you will get there! You've done it once, you WILL do it again. Just smile doll!

Sonya said...

Ashley YOU CAN DO THIS!!! If you have still been reading my blog you will know that I struggle with this too. I have lost and gained more times than I care to count. It is such a struggle and emotional is so much worse than the physical side of it.

The best advice I can give you is to JUST START. Take a walk each night after dinner, then start adding in healthier food choices, then start some other type of exercise on top of the walking. You have done this before so you don't really need me to tell you what to do but JUST START DOING IT!!!

I have joined a challenge group on facebook and the ladies on there are a huge motivator. We talk about struggles and our successes. What works and what doesn't. Being able to share what I have been going through with someone who knows what it is like has been so helpful.

And you know what...this time around...I have been brutally HONEST about my struggles with everyone...if they ask but for sure with Brian. He had no idea about the emotional ties I had to food and how I felt about myself. Once I started to tell him all those things it was like a huge weight was lifted and I have been able to do things in the last few months I haven't been able to do previously. Losing weight this time around feels so much different than last year too and dangit if I am not losing those "same" pounds I worked so hard to get rid of this time last year. But I am working on the mental side and working to get that fit too.

Now that I have completely written a books in your comment section. :) Email me or call me and we can chat about this. I am in your corner and we can support each other.

docksidelove said...

Ohhhhhh do I know the feeling.
And I know it all too well.
I see all these people blog about their weightloss and their big plans to be fitness buffs. I try to join in. I say I am going to. Anddddddd then I fail.

I weigh the most I have EVER.
Yes EVER. And I have been hugely pregnant with three babies. So what's up with that?

I am going against the grain and I am going to be attempting a new weightloss method. Lots of people frown on it but it has proven effective and I am doing it.

Problem is, it costs a hefty sum (around $800) to do the program with the guidance of a naturopath but I am DOING IT. I feel like I need to do it to give me that kick in the @ss to lose the initial weight and then get in gear to continue being healthy and maintaining my weight.

Sorry for going on and on - but I am YOU! Hang in there... you are going to do it... be patient with yourself lovely lady!

Kristine said...

Girl, you and I are in tr same damn boat! I've gained weight from the changes in my medication and I thought I'd been doing enough to keep it off, but I guess not. So then my depression sinks in more; so much that my pills that should prevent the damn depressing thoughs, straight up stop working.

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I've gained some weight recently and I'm trying to figure out how to get it off. I think it's been emotion induced!