today is Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.
its a little like the lot in life prompt but don't worry, i'm going a totally different route today. before i do so, thank you for all the love and support and the "i totally could have written this post!"'s. it made me feel so much less alone and less like a total loser. i love you guys
so on to something i'm struggling with right now.
you know how we all have this idea? this plan for how our lives will play out. of course God laughs at our plans but regardless, we all have a little idea in our head of how things will go. yeah.
i never thought i would be having children later in life. it is something that i just can't seem to get over. i never in my wildest dreams thought i would be divorced and starting over at 26. its still a little weird to me. instead of living in a home and having babies, i am back to square one. don't get me wrong. it is the absolute right place for me to be. right here. right now. and it is the absolute best decision i have ever made. but i still struggle with the starting over part. the part that i won't be having babies anytime soon.
see when you start over, it means being single for a time. meeting a new guy. that whole dating phase. the long term relationship phase. then sometime down the line, an engagement. and months later a wedding. and then maybe buying a condo/house. enjoying newlywed-dom. and thennnn babies. there are a lot of steps to get through regardless. to start all over. its kinda hard.
i struggle with being a person who wants so badly to just be a mom. to have children. to experience that. and to not want to be in my 30s when i do so. there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting til your 30s. thats not at all what i'm saying. but it wasn't my plan. it wasn't how i saw my life playing out at all.
i know someone is going to say or at least think that i should enjoy my life now before my world is turned upside down. some mom who is getting zero sleep thinks i'm crazy i'm sure. but honestly? i am ready. its been in my blood since i was a kid. i have loved children since i was one. i was the baby whisperer as a teenager and spent summers with babies as young as 3 months old with terrible colic. when babysitting days ended, i got a real job with kids. i nurture my puppy like she is my human child. i've enjoyed my 20s, my freedom. i am ready (from that perspective). this is something i want so badly and it is not in my grasp at all right now. its frustrating. and a little sad.
at this point, i just don't know how things are going to play out. when kids or the possibility of kids will be on my radar. and its such a struggle for a girl who was made to be a mom.