Monday, May 20, 2013

made to be a mom

i skipped two days of the challenge over the weekend. i had a few ideas for saturdays prompt but the day got completely crazy and i never got to sit down and write. i'll probably go back and write that post at some point after the challenge is over and i need blog ideas. :) yesterday's prompt was something about 5 blogs you love and since i kinda did that on day 5, i decided to skip that too.

today is Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

its a little like the lot in life prompt but don't worry, i'm going a totally different route today. before i do so, thank you for all the love and support and the "i totally could have written this post!"'s. it made me feel so much less alone and less like a total loser. i love you guys

so on to something i'm struggling with right now.

you know how we all have this idea? this plan for how our lives will play out. of course God laughs at our plans but regardless, we all have a little idea in our head of how things will go. yeah.

i never thought i would be having children later in life. it is something that i just can't seem to get over. i never in my wildest dreams thought i would be divorced and starting over at 26. its still a little weird to me. instead of living in a home and having babies, i am back to square one. don't get me wrong. it is the absolute right place for me to be. right here. right now. and it is the absolute best decision i have ever made. but i still struggle with the starting over part. the part that i won't be having babies anytime soon.

see when you start over, it means being single for a time. meeting a new guy. that whole dating phase. the long term relationship phase. then sometime down the line, an engagement. and months later a wedding. and then maybe buying a condo/house. enjoying newlywed-dom. and thennnn babies. there are a lot of steps to get through regardless. to start all over. its kinda hard.

i struggle with being a person who wants so badly to just be a mom. to have children. to experience that. and to not want to be in my 30s when i do so. there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting til your 30s. thats not at all what i'm saying. but it wasn't my plan. it wasn't how i saw my life playing out at all.

i know someone is going to say or at least think that i should enjoy my life now before my world is turned upside down. some mom who is getting zero sleep thinks i'm crazy i'm sure. but honestly? i am ready. its been in my blood since i was a kid. i have loved children since i was one. i was the baby whisperer as a teenager and spent summers with babies as young as 3 months old with terrible colic. when babysitting days ended, i got a real job with kids. i nurture my puppy like she is my human child.  i've enjoyed my 20s, my freedom. i am ready (from that perspective). this is something i want so badly and it is not in my grasp at all right now. its frustrating. and a little sad.

at this point, i just don't know how things are going to play out. when kids or the possibility of kids will be on my radar. and its such a struggle for a girl who was made to be a mom.


Jessica said...

I feel your pain, & I can 100% relate. I'm going through the same exact thing, divorced at 27(still hard to say that)...BUT I want you to stay strong, bc starting over is what God intended for you. It was hard for me to see it too while it was happening, but now I am engaged to an amazing man. Now all the pieces fit. Yes, I am now 31, & had originally planned to have 2 kids by now, but I keep telling myself this, "I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" -- Alot of woman these days are having children at an older age. I'll be one of them! Keep your head up, things will all fall into place. Stay in faith. <3

Meagan said...

Dang it! I had a long comment that disappeared.

Monica said...

Ok I completely know what you are talking about when you say "starting over" I am recently divorced about 8 months. Hardest thing in the world I have gone through. I do have 2 precious kiddos out of it that I am so Thankful for.
God has your life/plan all mapped out and when it is time you will find the perfect man to be the father to your babies. Be patient and know he is working good things in your life! :) XO
New Follower from Crystal @ Mason's Mama :)!

Nicole @ Haute Runner said...

It's very tough when life doesn't go according to plan. I struggle with decisions I have made in the past that put me where I am now- most decisions I am happy with but there are a couple that really weigh on my mind.

I hope that your new plan becomes clearer soon. They say that all good things are worth the wait.

Sonya said...

you will get there and you know what you are a godsend to those moms who have trusted the care of their children to you in their absense. that says alot about you and I know when the time is right you will be blessed with beautiful children!!

Marta M said...

Your new follower :D I so feel you, although I am in completely different situation (with one kiddo already) I totally know the feeling. Just saying.

Mason's Mama said...

Thinking about you and praying for you. It will all happen in God's perfect and precious timing. I was 29 when I had Mason. And honestly, I never thought I would have children that late in life. Again, God's timing!! XO love!!