Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of
I'm gonna tell you a story.
When I was about 9 or 10, I saw something. I can't recall if I saw it in a movie or in a tv show. Maybe a news story in real life. Or maybe it was just a dream. My sister was babysitting me while my parents were out. When they got home, it was time for bed. I said goodnight and then "I love you". They said so back and then said something else. Like "sweet dreams" and I said "I love you" again. The next night the same. One night after this had gone on for awhile, my sister kept saying things, teasing me, so I'd have to keep saying "I love you" over and over. My parents finally asked what my deal was and I told them.
See I had seen something where an apartment building was on fire and a boy about my age lived through the fire but his parents had not. A news reporter was interviewing him and asked, "What was the last thing your parents said to you?" and the boy said "I love you. In my family we always made suer it was the last thing we said so if anything happened, we'd always know 'I love you' was the last thing we told each other."
Wherever I heard that, I clung to it and wouldn't let go. To this day, it still sticks. I still say "I love you" to Mike as the last thing before I leave in the morning and I still tell my parents "I love you" as the last thing before we part.
I am terrified of losing someone I love. I am absolutely positively terrified of it. I can't even let myself think about it too much or the anxiety overcomes me and I have a hard time coming out of it.
My other biggest fear? deep breath. this is the one i don't talk about and very few people know. i am sure i am going to make it come true. i even have a draft post written years ago that i could never bring myself to post. but its time to face that fear. face the anxiety of it.
Dying in childbirth. i really want to delete that and stick with the one fear. this is hard. It is the thing I can't wrap my head around a lot more so than the above fear. It is so unknown and sudden. It is so so scary. To get to childbirth and not get to be a mom. For my child to grow up without a mom. I can't even. Is there any worse timing? don't answer that. It breaks my heart just thinking about and I am so crazy ridiculously scared of it. I think about it at least once a week and am so so fearful.
Tell me your biggest fears so I can feel a little better, maybe?