Tuesday, May 7, 2013

"I love you." A story.

Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of
Its time to talk about fears. I have this fear about fears. I know. I feel like talking about certain ones will make them come true. Its the anxiety speaking but its hard to shake. I'm going to try to do so today.

I'm gonna tell you a story.

When I was about 9 or 10, I saw something. I can't recall if I saw it in a movie or in a tv show. Maybe a news story in real life. Or maybe it was just a dream. My sister was babysitting me while my parents were out. When they got home, it was time for bed. I said goodnight and then "I love you". They said so back and then said something else. Like "sweet dreams" and I said "I love you" again. The next night the same. One night after this had gone on for awhile, my sister kept saying things, teasing me, so I'd have to keep saying "I love you" over and over. My parents finally asked what my deal was and I told them.

See I had seen something where an apartment building was on fire and a boy about my age lived through the fire but his parents had not. A news reporter was interviewing him and asked, "What was the last thing your parents said to you?" and the boy said "I love you. In my family we always made suer it was the last thing we said so if anything happened, we'd always know 'I love you' was the last thing we told each other."

Wherever I heard that, I clung to it and wouldn't let go. To this day, it still sticks. I still say "I love you" to Mike as the last thing before I leave in the morning and I still tell my parents "I love you" as the last thing before we part.

I am terrified of losing someone I love. I am absolutely positively terrified of it. I can't even let myself think about it too much or the anxiety overcomes me and I have a hard time coming out of it.

My other biggest fear? deep breath. this is the one i don't talk about and very few people know. i am sure i am going to make it come true. i even have a draft post written years ago that i could never bring myself to post. but its time to face that fear. face the anxiety of it. 

Dying in childbirth. i really want to delete that and stick with the one fear. this is hard. It is the thing I can't wrap my head around a lot more so than the above fear. It is so unknown and sudden. It is so so scary. To get to childbirth and not get to be a mom. For my child to grow up without a mom. I can't even. Is there any worse timing? don't answer that. It breaks my heart just thinking about and I am so crazy ridiculously scared of it. I think about it at least once a week and am so so fearful.

Tell me your biggest fears so I can feel a little better, maybe?


Nicole @ Haute Runner said...

Wow! That is such a sad, yet beautiful story. I always try to say I love you to my family when saying good bye for the same reason.

I used to have a fear of dying in childbirth as well. It's so rare these days (at least in Canada and the US) but the thought of my baby growing up without me brings me to tears. My mom's mom died when she was young so it's always been in the back of my mind.

I try not to give in to my fears because I don't want them to prevent me from living life to the fullest. Some things are just not in my control so I can't worry about them. I am a natural worrier and I have had to really work on letting go of things. I believe things happen for a reason, even if they don't make sense or seem fair at the time.

Britt said...

I think every woman is secretly scared of that. That story is very beautifully haunting but it is very true and a good practice. I think it's good to be fearful of these things. It reminds us that life is precious and not to waste time being bitter or resentful towards others.

Sonya said...

It is super scary to think about all the things that could go wrong during childbirth. My biggest fear when I was pregnant was not that I would die, but that my child would. Until they were both out, safe and sound I was a nervous wreck inside. I still worry about losing one of them. But I make sure to tell them I love them every day!

Mason's Mama said...

The deeper we get into this Blog Every Day in May Challenge the more I realize how much we are alike. Nathan and I never leave, hang up the phone or go to sleep without saying I love you first. And we do that with Mason as well. And my biggest fear for years and years and years was dying during childbirth. And I am happy to share with you that once I got to the hospital to actually have Mason I never even thought about that fear. It wasn’t until I had him that I realized that the fear did not strike me at the hospital. God’s peace and sweet grace sure covered me that day.

On my post I talked about my fear of dying and being without my boys, but I didn’t go into much detail. That fear hits me every single time I get in my car alone. Anxiety hits me so hard that I can’t breathe when I think about getting into a car crash and never seeing them again.

Elizabeth said...

Found you via SOML. I totally get the always saying "I Love You". I have this fear that if I say goodbye to someone, that might be the last time I see them. So for YEARS I always say "See you later". As if my saying that lessens the chance of their death or something...

Kind of ridiculous, but I guess you should do what makes you feel better!

Adrienne @ BlackWhiteColor said...

Yes! Anxiety and superstition! I totally have to end a convo or the day with everything ok because I'm afraid the one time I don't something will happen. I'm so glad that I'm not alone in that one.
Found ya on SOML
Now following via GFC

LWLH said...

We're big on the last thing I say is 'i love you' in our family too. You just never know and you want them to remember that, God forbid anything happens.