Thursday, May 16, 2013

be my friend maybe? or maybe not. its okay.

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it

this topic has been kind of hard for me. i have spent the majority of an hour crapping around on the internet trying to figure out what to write about. there are a couple different things i could get into but i feel like its all going to sound like a big fat whine. this is my insecurity speaking... i don't for one second think you're whining on your blogs. i over-think things. always.

do i write about my weight and the constant battle and why for the love can't i be one of those girls with permanently good metabolism all my life? no. no one wants to hear about that.

how about the state of our finances and that battle? blah. we haven't been living with my parents long enough to rehash that and have an update.

ok. maybe the frustration surrounding my "career" path and what i really want to be doing. ugh. nope.

so here is what i am going to talk about. you know, now that you know what i am not going to be talking about. i know i've talked about my self-esteem and insecurity and all that jazz (don't worry, i'm not getting into that again.. well not really. well kind of.. just focusing on a different part of it. bare with me) but i haven't spent a lot of time talking about how it effects my friendships.

i've never been good making friends. in fact i am horrible at it. once i am comfortable, i am pretty good at the friendship part. but it takes a long while to get there and getting there requires being able to make the friend in the first place.

the insecurity and extreme introvertedness makes it incredibly hard for me. and the older i get the harder it is. at this point in my life, i feel like everyone already has their group of friends. i am always the outsider. always the new girl. and everyone else has a connection, a history with the each other that i don't and can't have. it is the hardest thing in the world for me. i struggle with it constantly.

i get really sad when i realize i have no good group of friends. no group of girlfriends for girls night out. not a group that i chat with daily. nothing. its a really hard thing for me.

part of it stems from moving away. i lost touch with a lot of friends from my younger days moving 400 miles away. and going to not one but two commuter colleges and no sorority means no group of college girlfriends either. i did have a couple girlfriends in sacramento that all came from blogging but then i moved away.

so now here i am back in so cal. one of my best friends ever growing up and i reconnected when i first moved home but with 2 kids and her own set of hard stuff she's going through, we struggle to spend time together. and its a complicated friendship to boot.

mike has this huge group of friends from an old church they all attended which is fabulous but that is the perfect example of a group i feel like a complete outsider in. i mean these people grew up together in the church. they all matched up and married each other essentially. and now they are having babies at the same time and bonding more. and here comes me. the girl who never stepped foot in that church and at nearing 30, i enter the scene. its such a hard thing for me. i enjoy spending time with them but i can't help but constantly feel like i don't belong.

i kind of feel like i will never belong anywhere.

maybe that's why i like blogging so much. its like a giant group of friends that i care so much about. i love my blog friends but i'd be lying if i said i'm not want for some real life grab-a-cup-of-coffee girlfriends too.

i mentioned to mike recently that i wanted to find a church and maybe, in addition to all the friends he has from his old church (they all left the church for similar but varying reasons awhile ago and have since found various new ones), make some new couple friends together. he told me that would be good but he grew up with these people and they will always be like family to him.
oh hey, punch in the gut. thanks. (he totally didn't mean it like that and will read this and probably feel terrible and get mad at me for even saying that. please don't think bad of him. i don't think he even really knows how hard this concept is for me. how much i struggle with this. he did not at all mean it the way it felt to me. those are my issues and mine alone.)

 maybe it comes when i have kids? do you naturally make mommy friends? or will they still have their own group of girlfriends too? will i still be the outsider? probably.

i have a really close, good friend at work. i love her to death and she gets me. but we don't really spend time together outside of work. and that's ok. we both have a ton of our own stuff going on. but i also don't want to leave her out of this post because she's awesome.

back to my blogging friends. i love you guys. i love your sweet words, the kind caring emails, and the instagram love. it means the world to me and its what makes my "friendship issues" a little more bearable.

i don't know where i am going with this. its just something i struggle with constantly. i feel like it is the most embarrassing thing to share too. picture me shyly cowering in the corner with a giant tattoo on my forehead that says "i have no friends." i am just so cool. don't you all want to be my friend now. erm. :/

that is one of my "lots in life". i wish i knew how to crack this shell open and change things. i wish i had developed an amazing group of college girlfriends to do life with. but alas, i didn't. i am 27 and can count my true friends on one hand. i've always believed its better to have a few really good friends than a ton of kinda friends. but other than mike. and my coworker. and my on-again, off-again friend (who is currently off-again), i got nothin'.

except all you. thank you for being so sweet. so wonderful. i love you so much. truly. you put a smile on my face when i really need. thank you for being amazing friends even if we can't yet have a cup of coffee together because there are too many miles between us. you are still the best friends a girl could ask for.


Sonya said...

It is hard to make friends, especially as a woman and doesn't get easier when you become a least for me it didn't. Honestly when I had Lauren I lost touch with the friends I did have because of the amount of time having a child takes. Now that they are having children themselves we are reconnecting because they realize just how hard it is becoming a mother and having to do it all on your own.
Focus on quality rather than quantity. Honestly having one or two really really good friends is so much more satisfying than 10 acquaintances.
Are you guys going to church? you mentioned finding a new one. I think that is a great idea and maybe join a small group or find one that is just starting out, that would be good too!
Hang in there!!!

Britt said...

I totally relate to this. So so much. I feel like it used to be so easy to make friends and meeting new people didn't cause anxiety. Now? I feel like I struggle to make new connections. Maybe it's because it's because I'm older and more awkward? I have no idea. But either way, having a few friends that are good and you can call your own is so much better than being the social butterfly of yesterday. Having kids too really puts a strain on maintaining relationships but it's great you were able to reconnect!

Jessica said...

You're not the only one. I do have friends, but so many of them have had kids, and we've grown apart. My struggle now is to find good couple friends, friends that me & my fiance can hang out with. Lately, I've gone out of my way and reached out to some, but have been turned down :(
Oh well, just wanted to say that I love reading your blog,(and I follow you on IG) and if you lived in TX - I would love to have coffee :) Have a great day :)

Nicole @ Haute Runner said...

I get this. I find I am closer with a lot of my "online friends" than I am with my RL ones.

I think joining a Church or other organization might help you find some friends. Putting yourself out there is the first and hardest step.

It's normal for friends to come in and out of your lives. People change. My best friend and I don't have much in common now but we make the effort to stay in touch because our relationship is important and in a few years we will have more things in common again.

I have made a bunch of mommy friends. Some are from my prenatal classes, some from mommy & baby classes and others online. Only a few of them are friends from before we had babies. Even if we don't see each other all the time, it's nice to commiserate about the tough times, rejoice in the milestones and just have someone to listen when you are having a rough day.

Lauren said...

This post hit home for me. I am usually the type who's good with making friends but I suck at keeping them around. My former roommate and I used to be attached at the hip but after I made the decision to move out on my own (for a plethora of reasons), we've grown apart and haven't talked for a month. I texted her Friday night and it just felt so... strained. My absolute best friend lives in Atlanta but I live 250 miles away. I'd love to be able to just have girl time with her. I work with a bunch of people that I wouldn't consider close friends, but we go through stuff together. I used to hang out with a lot of coworkers outside of work but I got to a point that I thought, "my entire life is my job... and I don't like it." Don't get me wrong, I like where I work but there comes a point where you want to compartmentalize your life. So, in summary, I completely get how you feel.

Nicole said...

Holy crap I could have written this post down to the last sentence! Including the on again off again that is currently OFF. It's so hard to make friends as a grown up! I let my insecurities eat me alive & I end up just having coffee with myself! I did sign up for a bloggers event this Saturday so maybe I'll find a friend! Ugh that sounds lame. You are so not alone on this.

Ashlea with an a said...

hey girl! I just found your blog and love it-new follower HOLLA!! Anywho, I can completly relate to this post. And to answer your question...I do feel like it comes with kids. At least for me it did in my case. Before my babies I was a lone ranger, I was the first to have kids, and have a adult life aso i basically couldnt relate to my old high school friends. Hang it there! I feel like thats the biggest reason why I started a blog was to have some friends...even it they were miles and miles away!