Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it
this topic has been kind of hard for me. i have spent the majority of an hour crapping around on the internet trying to figure out what to write about. there are a couple different things i could get into but i feel like its all going to sound like a big fat whine. this is my insecurity speaking... i don't for one second think you're whining on your blogs. i over-think things. always.
do i write about my weight and the constant battle and why for the love can't i be one of those girls with permanently good metabolism all my life? no. no one wants to hear about that.
how about the state of our finances and that battle? blah. we haven't been living with my parents long enough to rehash that and have an update.
ok. maybe the frustration surrounding my "career" path and what i really want to be doing. ugh. nope.
so here is what i am going to talk about. you know, now that you know what i am not going to be talking about. i know i've talked about my self-esteem and insecurity and all that jazz (don't worry, i'm not getting into that again.. well not really. well kind of.. just focusing on a different part of it. bare with me) but i haven't spent a lot of time talking about how it effects my friendships.
i've never been good making friends. in fact i am horrible at it. once i am comfortable, i am pretty good at the friendship part. but it takes a long while to get there and getting there requires being able to make the friend in the first place.
the insecurity and extreme introvertedness makes it incredibly hard for me. and the older i get the harder it is. at this point in my life, i feel like everyone already has their group of friends. i am always the outsider. always the new girl. and everyone else has a connection, a history with the each other that i don't and can't have. it is the hardest thing in the world for me. i struggle with it constantly.
i get really sad when i realize i have no good group of friends. no group of girlfriends for girls night out. not a group that i chat with daily. nothing. its a really hard thing for me.
part of it stems from moving away. i lost touch with a lot of friends from my younger days moving 400 miles away. and going to not one but two commuter colleges and no sorority means no group of college girlfriends either. i did have a couple girlfriends in sacramento that all came from blogging but then i moved away.
so now here i am back in so cal. one of my best friends ever growing up and i reconnected when i first moved home but with 2 kids and her own set of hard stuff she's going through, we struggle to spend time together. and its a complicated friendship to boot.
mike has this huge group of friends from an old church they all attended which is fabulous but that is the perfect example of a group i feel like a complete outsider in. i mean these people grew up together in the church. they all matched up and married each other essentially. and now they are having babies at the same time and bonding more. and here comes me. the girl who never stepped foot in that church and at nearing 30, i enter the scene. its such a hard thing for me. i enjoy spending time with them but i can't help but constantly feel like i don't belong.
i kind of feel like i will never belong anywhere.
maybe that's why i like blogging so much. its like a giant group of friends that i care so much about. i love my blog friends but i'd be lying if i said i'm not want for some real life grab-a-cup-of-coffee girlfriends too.
i mentioned to mike recently that i wanted to find a church and maybe, in addition to all the friends he has from his old church (they all left the church for similar but varying reasons awhile ago and have since found various new ones), make some new couple friends together. he told me that would be good but he grew up with these people and they will always be like family to him.
oh hey, punch in the gut. thanks. (he totally didn't mean it like that and will read this and probably feel terrible and get mad at me for even saying that. please don't think bad of him. i don't think he even really knows how hard this concept is for me. how much i struggle with this. he did not at all mean it the way it felt to me. those are my issues and mine alone.)
maybe it comes when i have kids? do you naturally make mommy friends? or will they still have their own group of girlfriends too? will i still be the outsider? probably.
i have a really close, good friend at work. i love her to death and she gets me. but we don't really spend time together outside of work. and that's ok. we both have a ton of our own stuff going on. but i also don't want to leave her out of this post because she's awesome.
back to my blogging friends. i love you guys. i love your sweet words, the kind caring emails, and the instagram love. it means the world to me and its what makes my "friendship issues" a little more bearable.
i don't know where i am going with this. its just something i struggle with constantly. i feel like it is the most embarrassing thing to share too. picture me shyly cowering in the corner with a giant tattoo on my forehead that says "i have no friends." i am just so cool. don't you all want to be my friend now. erm. :/
that is one of my "lots in life". i wish i knew how to crack this shell open and change things. i wish i had developed an amazing group of college girlfriends to do life with. but alas, i didn't. i am 27 and can count my true friends on one hand. i've always believed its better to have a few really good friends than a ton of kinda friends. but other than mike. and my coworker. and my on-again, off-again friend (who is currently off-again), i got nothin'.
except all you. thank you for being so sweet. so wonderful. i love you so much. truly. you put a smile on my face when i really need. thank you for being amazing friends even if we can't yet have a cup of coffee together because there are too many miles between us. you are still the best friends a girl could ask for.