Monday, April 2, 2012

on dating while in the middle of a divorce...

after meeting, MK and i exchanged a lot of emails of the getting to know you variety before going out on a real date. at one point, he said he was pretty open and i could ask him anything i wanted. in my responding email, i made a comment about being the same way and on that note, you haven't asked me about my divorce yet and i just want you to know that you are welcome to ask when and if you want to.

"the reason that i haven't mentioned it is because it isn't important to me, i want to get to know who you are and you being divorced doesn't reflect that."

after talking to a few different guys, all of which immediately asked about it, this was a breath of fresh air.

for someone to realize that my divorce doesn't define me and to realize that i am still a person. i am not broken. that was special. and i barely even knew MK at this point and vise versa.

i'm just going to be real with you guys. i wasn't going to mention this right now because i feel like it gets a bad rap and people make assumptions but i hate not being real so whatever. i met MK online.

after spending a week in the "bargaining" phase (as my psychologist friend put it over coffee and bagels one morning) of second-guessing things and wondering if i did enough and if i tried hard enough (in hindsight, seven years of killing myself trying was plenty) and thinking maybe i should just suck it up and go back because its "easier", i came out the other side in a majorly positive way. in a positive way on so many levels. i was happy, i was content with my decision, i was starting to realize that i do have worth, that i am a good person despite this situation. this of course leads to thoughts of meeting someone new who didn't tear me down and make me feel like dirt.

and so i joined match. i joined with the sole intention of having some fun (not necessarily that kind of fun.. get your minds outta the gutter). of trying out this whole dating in my 20s thing that i had completely skipped by getting seriously involved so young. as i said, i talked to a few different guys. i almost met one but there were some red flags and when he called me a douche for asking a simple question, i was over it. and then MK came into my life. (i should probably mention the "rebound" - if you can even call it that - came and went so i was long over that whole thing.)

as i said, MK and i emailed a bunch and then graduated to texting and talking on the phone before we met. our first date involved coffee, lunch, and a movie. and it was one of those first dates that neither of us wanted to end. but end it did and there have been many dates since. its good stuff people.

so back to the point of this post (there was apparently way more backstory needed than i realized). MK is incredibly understanding. We didn't really talk about the divorce much at first, just focusing on getting to know each other (as he said above). a couple weekends ago, it was time. i told him the whole story. from meeting at 19, moving in together, getting engaged, married, buying a house, and all the ways it was falling apart along the way.

and guys? he was so understanding. so sweet. simultaneously hugging me and wanting to punch my ex in the face for all the shit he put me through. and after, he said something sweet about how its all been laid out there and now this is just about us. which is exactly how i want it to be. because my ex? he doesn't deserve any more attention than he's gotten. he hurt me but its done now. i am moving on and i am stronger than ever.

and this whole real-life dating thing? its really freaking awesome and fun. i like. it helps that he is an amazing human being and so fun and special and just real.