i can't seem to find the balance.
it was been a month since i last blogged.
i quickly throw strap orders together at night between dinner and a shower.
i look at my computer maybe twice during the week.
my personal to do list doesn't get touched.
i haven't read a book in who knows how long. i used to read 40 or 50 in a year.
i barely touch my camera, my favorite thing in my house. (thing... as in, non-breathing)
when i do, the pictures sit untouched, unedited.
it is so frustrating.
i get up at 5:30am. i throw on makeup, scarf down some breakfast while M makes my lunch, and get out the door by 6:20am. work all day and get home around 4:30pm.
i had big plans to take advantage of the early schedule. the off at 4pm thing. it seems ideal. and in some ways it is. but after spending 8 hours working with 5 and 6 year olds, the majority of it on my feet, and a couple hours outside, i just want to sit when i get home.
and before i know it, M has dinner on the table, our shows are on and suddenly its 9pm and i need to get a shower so i can sleep in the morning. sometimes i don't know how i got from monday to thursday without accomplishing anything other than a coloring sheet and a few conflict negotiations*.
and i hate it. i want to find the balance. i want to pursue the big ideas i have for my little handmade company. i want to edit the pumpkin patch pictures and the mustache bash pictures. i want to post them on my little blog, my scrapbook of life. i want to read your blogs and participate in the community i love. i want to bake cookies. i want to read a book.
i need those things. i need to not get lost in the crayons and anecdotal notes. i need to not lose sense of me and the things i love.
but i can't find the balance. i can't get in the routine i need and want.
hopefully i will find a way to figure it out sometime soon...
*there is a lot more to my job. i am completely simplifying it and making it sound like a glorified babysitter and that's not what it is. swear it.