Saturday, October 27, 2012

balance.

i can't seem to find the balance.

it was been a month since i last blogged.
i quickly throw strap orders together at night between dinner and a shower.
i look at my computer maybe twice during the week.
my personal to do list doesn't get touched.
i haven't read a book in who knows how long. i used to read 40 or 50 in a year.
i barely touch my camera, my favorite thing in my house. (thing... as in, non-breathing)
when i do, the pictures sit untouched, unedited.

it is so frustrating.

i get up at 5:30am. i throw on makeup, scarf down some breakfast while M makes my lunch, and get out the door by 6:20am. work all day and get home around 4:30pm.

i had big plans to take advantage of the early schedule. the off at 4pm thing. it seems ideal. and in some ways it is. but after spending 8 hours working with 5 and 6 year olds, the majority of it on my feet, and a couple hours outside, i just want to sit when i get home.

and before i know it, M has dinner on the table, our shows are on and suddenly its 9pm and i need to get a shower so i can sleep in the morning. sometimes i don't know how i got from monday to thursday without accomplishing anything other than a coloring sheet and a few conflict negotiations*.

and i hate it. i want to find the balance. i want to pursue the big ideas i have for my little handmade company. i want to edit the pumpkin patch pictures and the mustache bash pictures. i want to post them on my little blog, my scrapbook of life. i want to read your blogs and participate in the community i love. i want to bake cookies. i want to read a book.

i need those things. i need to not get lost in the crayons and anecdotal notes. i need to not lose sense of me and the things i love.

but i can't find the balance. i can't get in the routine i need and want.

hopefully i will find a way to figure it out sometime soon...

*there is a lot more to my job. i am completely simplifying it and making it sound like a glorified babysitter and that's not what it is. swear it.

7 comments:

Lin said...

You'll find a way to balance it all soon enough. I used to be the same way. With a husband that craves more attention than a kid and a job that keep keeps me away from home over 13 hrs a day...it's tough. Sometimes I'll write my posts late at night, way past my bedtime or on the weekends when there's some down time.

In all honestly, it's tough. There are lots of times when I have to force myself to open my laptop & write. It feels like a chore at first but then I'm glad I did it since it's a lot like therapy for me. Good luck sweets!

Justine said...

I have a real hard time finding balance with blogging, too. It's something in the past week I've just made myself do in the evenings. Once I get into a good routine, then I usually can keep it up, it's just getting into that routine to start that's tough.

Maria Lipkin said...

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http://www.thislifesbeautifulmoments.com/2012/10/my-first-liebster-awards.html

LWLH said...

That is my schedule pretty much and I stuggle with balance too.

Sonya said...

This is something I have struggled with for a long time. Lets say 5 years since having Lauren and then adding Colton into the mix made it even more difficult. I feel like I have lost myself. I feel guilty spending me time when I should be spending it with the kids or with Brian. But sometimes I just do it. I take a couple of hours and say this is for me and I make sure I do something that I want to do! It happens rarely and I seem to only make time for it when I am really feeling down but it does help recharge me until the next time.

I hope you find some balance Try scheduling it. I find having Brian and I share a google calendar helps. He knows what I need to get done and when. I have also tried rearranging my days or using those few minutes of "down time" inbetween appointments to do something just for me.

Nicole said...

Oh I am so with you! I am out at 3:30 but after waking up at 5:30 am and dealing with cranky patients all day I get home pick up a little, cook, & shower. All I want to do is sit on my sofa and watch tv because I have to be in bed early to get up so darn early and do it all over again!

Maybe we need to do one "new" thing a week, ya know squeeze it in & then add to it.

Who knows. I just work to pay my bills these days!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I know exactly how you feel! I have to be at work by 3:30am every morning so I get up at 2:15 and by the time I get home at 2:30 all I want to do is sit. It's hard finding the balance but eventually you'll find your groove!