Wednesday, September 26, 2012

he's got this

this morning as i was standing in front of the mirror flat ironing my hair, i was thinking.

i was thinking about the season of life we are in. i was thinking about the mountains set before us to climb.

i was thinking about the new job that i start either tomorrow or monday, about the permit i needed to go acquire this morning. about the conversation with my current boss that was ahead of me this afternoon.

i was thinking about the ants mike found crawling on my $5 box of honey nut cheerios that now had to be trashed. the box that was still 3/4 full. about the fact that we can't afford to be throwing away perfectly good, yummy food.

i was thinking about the zits that had appeared on my face all of a sudden. after a good 3 months of no breaking out. how frustrating it was. i was thinking about the stress that caused them. a level of stress i have not experienced in a long time.

i was thinking about the jobs mike has interviewed for that would be really good jobs. jobs that we are still waiting to hear on. i was thinking about the suspense of waiting.

i was thinking about the $68 i need to spend on contacts. about the last pair currently in my eyes that were feeling too old. the ones that need to be trashed soon but can't be until i find a way to get the new ones.

i was thinking about the conversation mike and i had had the night before. about how i needed to open up to him more when i was struggling. about how easily frustrated i had been lately.

i was thinking about the big party i'm planning that is only 2 weeks away with lots of diy still to do.

i was thinking about the shop and the business and how much i want to grow it. about how i'm going to find time to work full time and still grow this business while helping my family and spending time with my love. about how its all going to be a lot and how was i going to make it all work.

i was thinking about the future. about what it was going to look like. what was god's plan?!

and then it hit me.

he's testing us. maybe that's not the best term and maybe some people will get mad that i put it that way but thats the way it came into my head.

Source: via Ashley on Pinterest

he is putting these mountains in front of us to climb. to work through. to fall apart and grow stronger. yes there are a lot of things against us right now. but that doesn't mean we can't get through it.

i may be frustrated when i shouldn't be. i may say things i don't mean. i may be stressed when i need to just breathe. i may want to just pretend all is fine and dandy when it certainly is not.

but he is there. listening. watching. healing. strengthening. he's got this.

i just need to pick myself back up, brush myself off, and move forward. conquer the next little task on the way to climbing these mountains.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

back on the wagon

for the last 6 months, i have not allowed myself to think about weight watchers. i just kept telling myself i needed to find a method of losing this weight without turning back to my old faithful*.

so i just pushed it out of my mind and didn't allow it to be an option. like. at all.

and then i landed a job interview. and mike found me staring at my closet, touching interview-y type clothes that i knew wouldn't fit no matter how much sucking in i did. clothes that were falling off me a year ago. with this lost look on my face, down and depressed and disgusted with myself.

a little while later we were in the car going somewhere, probably to get food that wasn't going to help the situation. and he said it. "do you want to go back on weight watchers?" i immediately said no. that wasn't going to make anything different.

and then i proceeded to spend the next 24 hours thinking about nothing but weight watchers. how successful i had been on it not once but twice. losing 45 pounds in a year, maintaining for another three years, and then back on it to lose the last 15 pounds last summer (2011), putting me at my lowest weight since i was 10 and playing softball everyday.

i had been telling myself for the last 6 months that i didn't have to go on weight watchers to lose this pesky 30 pounds i gained. that there were other ways that didn't require a monthly fee. that i could do this on my own this time.

and i have now failed so many times in the last 3 months, its disgustingly embarrassing.

and then m put the thought in my head and i knew its what i had to do.

i was going to use a knock-off ww app that a blog friend told me about and i tried it for a few days but it was frustrating me so much, i wasn't motivated at all to use it.

so about 20 minutes before writing this post, i did it.

goodbye $56 for the first 3 months, hello plan that i know i can be successful on. a plan i know as well as i know my own street address.

i'm nervous. i won't lie.

i know i can do this but i'm having a very self-deprecating dialogue running in my head right now. and i'm so pissed at myself and can't seem to get over that.

but whatever. have to move forward.

weigh in day - wednesday
monthly update post - last thursday of the month

jumping back on the wagon and determined to get back to where i want to be, where i am most comfortable, where i can walk out the door feeling confident instead of ashamed, embarrassed, and less than happy.

although i am the last person who should be giving tips right given how far off the wagon i fell, i do have my arsenal of tricks from the past. so please let me know... i'd love to support you. truly.

and if you have an awesome low point snacks you want to throw my way, please do. i need new yummy stuff to get excited about.

*history: joined weight watchers in january 2007 attending meetings every saturday morning. followed the plan and stuck with the meetings before canceling my membership for money reasons in april 2008. i had lost just over 40 pounds. i maintained from mid 2008 thru mid 2011. while maintaining, i managed to lose another 8-10 pounds without trying. then in the summer of 2011, i decided i wanted to get rid of the last 10-15 pounds to be at "goal weight" and rejoined weight watchers doing the online version only (no meetings). i lost another 10 pounds to be at my lowest weight yet which is where i was when i left my ex-husband and moved back to southern california in november 2011. i had lost a total of 56.8 pounds.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Wordless Wednesday {and giveaway!}

Love this little family of mine...

More of these Labor Day pictures to come when I can sit down in front of my computer long enough to edit and post them :)


One of my bloggy BFFs, Aunie, is having a huge sponsor giveaway today and I'm giving away any camera strap from the shop to one lucky winner... go! enter! smile!

giveaway // shop

and if i could find some better light in my stupid little apartment (for photographing product), i will be listing 9 new straps in the next week so keep an eye out for those!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Just Because Friday

Not really sure how I let a week and a half go by without blogging... kinda unlike me but things have been busy so I guess life got in the way.

Anyway... I have this post in my drafts that I keep wanting to finish but I have so much I want to articulate that I am having trouble articulating it.. if that makes sense. Which it doesn't. Maybe that's why I've been avoiding blogger. That post is taunting me. :)

My brain has been a mess lately. So much to do, to accomplish, to worry about, to take care of.

Current job, finding a new job, throwing this awesome 30th birthday party in a month, building the business, taking care of a needy puppy, and continuing to make my relationship stronger and get over the hurdles.

My brain is a mess.

But a cute picture may help.

So much to blog about. Promise to be better about it next week :)
Just Because Friday

Have a good weekend, friends!