Monday, August 27, 2012

on that whole weight thing i've been avoiding...

I've put off writing this post for months because I've had a hard time dealing with it (still am) and admitting that I let it happen. But its time. And I value being real and honest. And I believe it happens to the best of us. So here goes....

I gained 30 pounds back in the first 6 months after walking out the door of my home in Sacramento.

I am not proud of this. In fact, I am completely ashamed and disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen.

If you've been around my tiny little slice of the world for awhile, you may remember that I went on Weight Watchers in 2007 and lost 40 pounds in a year (kinda slow, I know, but I did it my way) and then a few years later after maintaining for awhile, I lost another 15 pounds for a total of 56.6 pounds (exact total). I was at my lowest weight in October with only 5 pounds left to lose to be at my goal weight.

When I moved back home, there were multiple reasons for the weight gain. The obvious reason being the emotional turmoil of the whole situation. But that definitely wasn't the only reason.


1. The obvious - going through a divorce, especially the first couple months, is such an emotionally draining process and food is such a comfort (not for everyone but for a lot of us.. ahem. me).

2. Freedom - X was very concerned with my weight and me not having any extra "pudge" hanging around and I was very controlled when it came to food. (although my joining weight watchers was not forced by him... that was my decision.)  After leaving, I took my new freedom to shop and eat a little too far. To be honest, I think it was kind of a necessary part of the process after such an intense amount of control. Things that I was never allowed to purchase or eat before became part of my healing a little. Not the best choice but it is what it is now.

3. Parents - Living with my parent's proved to make the weight thing challenging even when I wanted to do better. I didn't buy a ton of my own food and generally just wasn't comfortable enough to take over the kitchen and make my own food. My dad makes amazing meals but they aren't always terribly healthy so having dinners and weekends out of my control didn't help.

4. Dating - when I met Mike, I was probably about 15 pounds heavier than when I first left X. Then there's the new dating process and the fact that we both had temporarily moved back into our parent's after being out on our own awhile and that means a lot of eating out. And of course just enjoying each other. Being spontaneous and having fun. And not obsessing over numbers and such. So hello another extra 15 pounds tacked on.

So now what...

I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around this weight gain. I am so disappointed in myself for letting it get so bad and going so far backwards. I worked so hard to get to where I got and was so proud of myself. On top of that, I have this block in my head that is making me feel like I will never lose the weight again. I was really overweight, lost 55 pounds, and then gained 30 back. I feel like I can never get it back off again. So emotionally, I'm struggling with it.

But I am working on it.

M and I started going to the gym about a month and a half ago and I've been trying to eat better. I'm really not following Weight Watchers anymore because I can't afford the membership right now and I want to be able to do this without paying a company for the long term. I want to learn the right way to handle it for the rest of my life when things may come up.

We got off track with going to the gym a few weeks ago so the exercise thing isn't happening at the moment and I am trying to figure out the best way to incorporate it into our day with everything else going on right now.

In the first month (July 23rd - August 23rd) I lost 3 pounds and 8 inches. Its a start. Slow but then eating healthy got difficult while my grandma was in the hospital for 2 weeks since we were late night grabbing food on breaks from sitting with her. Not making excuses, just being real with how things have been in life lately and how to make this all work alongside the unexpected-s in life.

Its difficult. And it scares me. But I am determined to get back where I want to be. And M wants to too since he has gained a good 20-30 pounds as well. The difference is he is a boy and its easier for boys in general. And he has gained and lost so many times it doesn't phase him. He knows exactly what to do to get rid of it whenever he wants. I, on the other hand, struggle with it in so many ways.

So that's that. Minus 55... plus 30... minus 35? Maybe? Hopefully....?

That's the goal... lose at least 35 pounds to get to goal weight. Soon preferably.


Miranda said...

i'm struggling with this as well! i just joined weight watchers. good-luck and hope it all works out for you!

Kristi Collins said...

I don't comment often- but i too am struggling with my weight. I have decided that in order to hold myself accountable- i post weight loss updates on my blog every Wednesday- WLW (weight loss Wednesday). The part i struggle with most is that it is a slow and steady process- i so badly want to see fast results. And that is just not how it works. You can do this- it will take dedication, but you have been successful can do it again. Good luck in your journey!!

Lin said...

Oh sweets, I'm right there with ya. I've been teeter tottering between 176-180 for the past year & it sucks cause I'm the biggest I've been in a long time. My husband says he loves me just as I am but all I keep thinking is, how can you love someone who's a pork roast away from 200? I know it has a lot to do with the fact I never work out & eat fast food A LOT but I just can't ever find the energy to get my butt to the gym, which I'm paying for.

The positive in this situation is that you didnt gain all your weight back & now you only have to lose half of what you originally did. Yay! You can do it! I mean, you did it once, you can do it again :)

Sonya said...

as you know this is a struggle for me too. It happens. We get stressed we eat, we get happy we eat, we are breathing we eat! I go up and down, off and on the wagon way more than I would like but just keep pressing on. Get back at it. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

You can do it Ashley! Getting weight off as you know takes time but you've done it before and you can do it again!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Do you have an iphone? Theres an app called "I track bites"...IT IS A RIP OFF WW. Exactly. Just pay the 1.99 or 2.99 (I forget) fee and literally, it IS weight can do the classic system or points system....thats actually what I"m doing b/c I don't want to pay...try it!