Monday, July 23, 2012

That C word...

No, not that c word. geesh. ;)


A struggle for me after everything I've been through.

Let me set the stage a little...

With X, life felt a little like the Miranda Warning ("anything you say can and will be used/held against you...") only there was no attorney present and when there was (i.e. a witness, someone else to hear what was being discussed) he would turn off his verbal attacks.

When I would talk about how I was feeling, he was hell bent on proving to me why I was wrong and why what I was feeling was ridiculous.

But it wasn't just the way I was feeling or big issues; sometimes it was the everyday. It could be something simple that I wouldn't be prepared for him to lose it about and he would. We fought so much.

There was most definitely an I in this TEAM. Oh wait, team? what's that. The world revolved around X.

So communication went out the window. I was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. I walked on eggshells for 7 years. No way to live.

I learned to say less. To keep things to myself. To work through it on my own. To be careful of what came out of my mouth. I learned to rework myself to adapt to this relationship that was so unhealthy from the get. But whatever, old news. Nothing I can do about it now.

So fast forward to life post-X and life with M. Talk about bringing some a lot of baggage to the table!

Its been a bit of a hurdle to relearn to communicate. To open myself up. And, to be honest, I haven't quite reached the top of this particular mountain. Its still an upward climb. But I'm getting there.

For the past week, the topic of communication has been heavily prevalent (in a good way!). We've both been going through some things that are private for now but its brought a lot of other things about.

M constantly encourages me to just speak from the heart. To not choose my words so carefully or think so much before I tell him whats going on in my over-crowded brain. Definitely still learning on that one.

He wants to know every thought and every desire of my heart. And its so special. But I'm not gonna lie and say its been easy because it certainly hasn't been.

Living together has certainly been an adjustment. He's never lived with a girlfriend before and, for me, I mine as well have not lived with a guy before because it is a world of different. In a beautifully good and healthy way. But it is different. I have a voice. That's new to me.

Because of that, communication has been a huge thing for us. But I'm proud of us and how far we've come in the month we've been here so far. We have a long way to go. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat cause that's just not my style. But, honestly, I'm not worried. (okay, that's kind of a lie. My anxiety causes me to worry a little but its irrational and if I'm honest with myself, I'm not worried.)

We are so strong together. We have this bond that is incredible. And M? I don't think I can say often enough that he is amazing. He is ready to work at this. And he holds me while I cry my eyes out as the anxiety comes over me when life gets a little too overwhelming.

And the best part? He wants to hear me. And nothing is every held or used against me.

So that C word... its complicated. But its so gosh darn worth it.


Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I couldn't imagine doing 7 years of that style of communication!

Sonya said...

I am so glad you wrote this post. Communication is a HUGE part in a relationship. I am happy that M is so open and honest and that you are learning to open yourself up again too. Hang in there!!