He had explained the process (go in, tell them this, undress down to this point, blah blah blah) (he knows I can be a stress case in new situations) and a thought comes to mind while waiting for our appointment. I text my sister "What if I have to fart during the massage?" It was a joke but I was kinda half-serious. These are the things my mind thinks of.
My sister sends back a message that says "I would say don't." I'm giggling and M asks me what's so funny. So I show him, slightly embarrassed but I don't hide anything from him. He laughs.
And then its my turn to go in. I lie down, get comfortable, and the therapist comes back in. He says he's going to do my legs first so I'm face up. He puts a towel over my eyes and begins.
I realize I have no idea what to think about. My thoughts start go a little like this:
"what am I supposed to think about?
am I supposed to focus on the massage?
no that just seems weird.
oh shit. come on stomach, don't do this.
okay don't think about it.
if you think about it, it'll happen.
get your mind off it.
okay what am I gonna think about?"
And then I started praying. I don't know why but it seemed like the right thing to do in such a calm, relaxing environment.
Now, I'll be really honest, I've prayed a very small handful of times since leaving my ex. I prayed constantly before. And the months, weeks, days leading up to leaving I prayed even more. Think of the prayer in the beginning of Eat Pray Love minus the "I've never done this before" part and then multiply the rest of it, including the uncontrollable sobbing, to 3 times a day for a good solid month. But I really struggled with it after the fact. Not because I was mad at God or felt like He had wronged me as is sometimes the case when we struggle with praying.
No it was the opposite. I felt I had done something wrong. I was getting a divorce. I had failed. I believe with absolute certainty that I did the right thing. I did then and I do even more now. And I would do it all the same. I even felt like he had answered all those prayers of "please, just tell me what to do." But yet I felt I couldn't go to Him.
But in that massage room I felt lead to just start praying. I prayed about many things while the massage therapist rubbed my legs (sidenote: why does it feel awkward to describe what a trained professional does to relax you? I don't know. Anyway.)
And then he finished the front, said he was removing the towel on my eyes, and wanted me to turn over and lay on my stomach.
I flipped over, put my face in the donut-y thing and got comfortable. He began on my back and I went right back to praying.
And the words just started to flow out (not technically... this was silent prayer time. obviously). I didn't think about what I was saying or pick a direction to go with my prayer. I just kept praying. And after this part in the prayer, I stopped and realized exactly what I had just said and a calm feeling came over me. I realized that what I had just said in my prayer was the absolute truth and I had never really realized it or marveled in that truth. (and then I started writing this blog post in my head. don't lie. you do it too.)
Okay, I know how lame - I haven't told you what it is that I said. Sorry. Enough suspense. This is what came out without a thought, word for word (it was that powerful. not really a forgettable moment)...
Lord, thank you for bringing Mike into my life. Even at a time when I had stopped praying. When I wasn't coming to you with anything. Even at the darkest time and I turned away from you. You never stopped knowing my heart. You brought exactly who I needed into my life. You knew the exact perfect timing - what I needed when I needed it. Thank you for knowing and providing.
Truthfully, I really hadn't thought about it that way. Mike is perfect for me. In so many ways. But I had never given it any thought just how perfect the timing and person were to the whole situation.
It's hard for me to put into words the connection he and I have or the timing of it all. I can tell you that we spent hours talking about the past. About how it affected me and all the minute details I've never been able to tell anyone else. And in our own way, we worked through it together. I can honestly say I don't think I would be where I am now without him. Sure I would have gotten here eventually on my own (I would hope) but he helped me to come to some big realizations and work through some things I hadn't yet realized I needed to work through. It wasn't always easy and sometimes things still come up. But who we are as people together is an amazing, beautiful thing that I didn't know I wanted or needed or even existed.
I love Mike in a way I didn't know possible.
And He brought that person into my life when I didn't know I needed it. Just another reminder that He is an awesome God.
Oh. and I got through the entire (wonderful, glorious, I'm totally addicted) massage without farting. In case you were wondering.
God apparently didn't give me much of a filter. Sorry. Only I'm not really. Cause I'm learning to love me exactly as He created me :)