Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A source of hope

I have been thinking a lot lately about why I feel led to continue to write about my divorce despite how happy I am.

I thought about it in terms of M because I didn't want it to come off as if I was still hung up on it or my feelings weren't genuine.

I thought about it in terms of family because its a very personal thing and for some reason having my extended family know my deep feelings is almost scarier than my amazing blog friends reading about it.

I thought about it in terms of me because I don't want to live in the past or stall my healing by writing about it (which I've come to realize I absolutely am not and in fact, its helped me heal).

And then I got a text message yesterday that rocked my world a little bit and the result of all this thinking was confirmed.

Someone very close to me is getting a divorce. It was shocking and completely unexpected from the outside and my heart is hurting for her more than I can even describe.

I spent the entire day texting her. Giving her every bit of advice I could and telling her that I know, I know how hard this is. How much it hurts no matter the circumstances. How scary it feels and is. That I know what its like to want to absolutely hate their guts (and kinda do!) yet still feel bad for having to make this decision. That I can relate and I am here for her every single tiny step of the way. I am here.

And that's just it. I want to be a place of solace. A safe haven. A light at the end of the tunnel. A soft place to fall. For anyone going through it.

I can't tell you the emails that have come to me. The tweets. The texts. It means the world to me.

When I was in the early stages of this nightmare, I was terrified. Scared Shitless as I put it to M once. And all I wanted was someone real, someone who had been through it, to tell me it was going to be okay. That even though I could not, no matter how hard I tried, see the light at the end of the tunnel it was there.

I scoured the internet, I searched for blogs. I wanted to find just one of someone who had been in this place. Who had gone through this. Who had done this and was a stronger, better person. Who had found love again. I just needed that even if its stupid.

And that's why I keep blogging about it. That's why I will continue to blog about it. When I feel led to tell a story from the past, from the divorce mayhem, from my heart, I will do it.

And its not at all because I'm hung up on the past. Its not at all because I have regrets or second thoughts (quite the opposite in fact). Its because I have been there. And if you are there right now, if you are thinking this may be the step you need to take, if you are scared shitless as I was. I am here. Talk to me if you want. Just read my story if you'd prefer. But I'm here.

But no matter what, know that its going to be okay. Know that it may seem like you will never crawl out of this tunnel but you will.

Marrying the absolutely worst person for you sucks. Divorce sucks. But I am absolutely determined to use my story for good. To be there for others. To be a source of hope. 


jordan said...

You're so strong & inspiring! I'm not going through a divorce right now but have a lot of other issues I'm working through. Coming here & reading about your experience & honest thoughts, etc. really help me. So thanks. :)

Not sure if you read Mara & Danny's blog already but they're getting pretty popular and write about great topics. Both have been divorced and chose to look at it (and everything in their lives) as a blessing & opportunity and now, seem very happy!! Anyways, check it out if you like! :) http://www.ablogaboutlove.com

Rebekah said...

I can't imagine what you've been going through but I have to say that I'm so very happy that you're happy and that you're able to help others who are going through what you've gone through. I'm sure they appreciate it so much!

Sonja said...

Well said! I'm so glad that you're doing well. You've been on my mind a lot lately.

It IS hard and not everyone understands that unless they've been there before.

We may have married the wrong people but I don't regret it one bit! It has lead me to the man I'm meant to be with. For that I don't think I can ever regret the first marriage :)

You know you can text/call me anytime to chat!! xo

Sonya said...

I am glad that you are blogging about it. I bet it is very Therapeutic, that is how I felt during Colton's hip dysplasia treatment...{totally not the same thing} But I felt so alone and no one could relate to what I was going through. So I commend you for sharing your feelings and being honest. I bet M understands completely.