Monday, March 19, 2012

on a mini ah-ha moment

It's almost 8am. and I have been at work since 5:30am. Oh and I went to bed last night at 12am. Tired is a major understatement right now. I had to be up at 4am to take my sister to the airport which I can see from my office so it was pointless to drive 25 minutes home and back again. So I'm at work. I have gotten a lot done in the last 2 hours but I hit a wall about 20 minutes ago. So now I'm blogging instead of working. Productive.

Work has been crazy intense in the last couple weeks and I have to remind myself to stop and breathe and enjoy this stage of life. Because the truth is, while I still have my moments, this is a good stage.

I feel like I'm in a really good place mentally and emotionally right now.

I was talking to a boy (now to be referred to as MK) yesterday (more on the boy later) about how I am feeling regarding the whole divorce and marriage and ex situation and I had a minor one of those ah-ha moments.

I am really content with things right now. As I was explaining to MK, I don't really have issues surrounding the divorce or marriage but I do have some deep-seeded self-esteem issues that stem from the way I was treated and talked to. They will always be there a little bit.

However, (ah-ha moment...) I have realized how much better and happier I am since leaving. Suddenly I realize that I have worth and that I am actually kind of a cool person in some respects (I have my faults though... let's not get crazy-sauce). Maybe I'm not the careless, overweight, loser that I was made out to feel like on a daily basis. Maybe I do deserve to be loved for exactly who I am and not only if I do certain things the "right" way.

It's amazing how much happier I am with myself. There are things I'd like to change (oh hey, 10 pounds that came creeping back with the emotions of leaving my husband, you're welcome to go away now) but we all have those and in reality, I always will have those. But on a whole, 4 1/2 months after leaving my ex, I am a whole new girl. I am happy and fun and remember how great it is to laugh and just be without the stress of trying to please a person who could never be pleased wholely no matter who hard I tried.

As far as the ex, he is still fighting pretty hard. I get texts or emails every couple of days telling me he misses me or whatever but at this point, I just take it in stride. It'll phase out on its own and he'll move on (he already did once...). But here's the thing about his texts... instead of making me feel sad about us being over, they remind me of why its over. For example, yesterday I received this text: "Gosh I miss your beautiful smiling face so much." and my first thought was... 'you mean the smile you hated because I have one tooth that sticks out a little too much and you thought I should get braces for it? That's the smile you miss so much?' Of course I don't say these things anymore because they just start a big debate where he tries to tell me he never meant it and he loves me just as I am but all I can think is, you should have loved me like that for the last 7 years. So that's my thoughts on that. And a little glimpse of the whys... I swear I still intend on doing a big post more on the whys soon.

But for now. I am happy. I like who I am now. The person I get to be without G. The person I lost along the way in spending all my energy on trying to be who he wanted. I like this girl. :)

7 comments:

Rebekah said...

I'm happy that you're getting to be in a better place for you. Good for you for realizing you deserve more and you ARE worth so much. If you're ever in the area again, we need to get together! :)

LWLH said...

I'm so happy that your finding peace with things and are overall in a better place. It'll take time to heal but dates with nice boys is a starting point ;)

Laura said...

This post makes me happy. Yay for ah-ha moments.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

You are amazing, and deserve every bit of happiness!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

It really does sound like you're in a good place. I think that from those texts and your thoughts that you're seeing the situation better. That's a great thing!

Krissa said...

YAY for ah ha moments... You are seriously amazing and I am glad that you are realizing that more and more... love this post...

Kristin said...

stay strong love!!