Tuesday, June 25, 2013

list of happy (v. 9)

(a day late due to sunday night exhaustion)

+ a new fedora
+ so much family time (so much)
+ printed pallete shirt
+ beach
+ concert in the park
+ seeing the space shuttle in person
+ celebrating my dad just a little more
+ favorite breakfast place
+ lunch with M's mom
+ baby shower invites out
+ finally watching silver linings playbook
+ reacquainting myself with riding a bike after 10 years
+ red robin
+ cream cheese wontons
+ family movie night
+ curls
+ time with my guy

Monday, June 17, 2013

list of happy (v. 8)

not my best edit job but its late on sunday night and i am exhausted. i'll probably redo it all soon.

+ extra family time
+ celebrating my wonderful daddy
+ headshots photography for M
+ blue cheese burgers
+ frisbee, softball, parks, oh my!
+ breakfast at an Irish pub
+ french toast with cinnamon powdered sugar
+ 5 people filling one grocery cart
+ so much picture-taking
+ target. 
+ pieology love
+ bean dip
+ corn on the cob
+ so many laughs
+ father's day shenanigans
+ sister time
+ a clean room
+ getting the bike out and off for tuning
+ last week of school for the kidlets this week 
+ printed pallete shirt
+ hello apparel shirt
+ so much love
+ hair appointment pampering
+ love for my dad-meister

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

an uphill battle

a little less than a year ago i blogged about the weight gain. the reasons behind it. and announced my goal. now here i am having rejoined weight watchers and then giving up on weight watchers (a post i have sitting in my drafts waiting to hit publish on. soon. promise). sitting at my highest weight in 5+ years. not my highest ever. but highest since losing over 40 pounds in 2007 and another 15 in 2011.

its an uphill battle. a couple weekends ago, i was incredibly down about it. couldn't hardly focus on anything or enjoy the weekend at all because i just kept thinking about the weight. why i put it on. how sad/disappointed/frustrated/bummed/miserable i am that i went from my lowest weight since i was 10 back up 35 pounds. mike kept asking me what was wrong but i felt like a broken record talking about this so i just kept saying nothing.

finally he got it out of me.

i feel like i'm standing at the bottom of a hill. staring up. knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that i have to climb this hill. and that i want to climb it now. but not knowing even a little bit how to go about doing it.

i don't know what it is about the second time around that has proved so difficult for me. i know people who lost, had babies and gained, and lost it again less than 6 months after. and i think its amazing. but if i'm honest, its depressing too. why can't i do it? and i don't even have a cute chubby baby to show for the gain. just a divorce. living with parents twice since. a new relationship. and too much freedom to eat whatever i want when i want it. because m wants me to be happy more than skinny. i love him for it. but being skinny will make me happy.

and dammit i love food. i wish i was one of those people that didn't eat when i am stressed or depressed or just had a bad day. but its the opposite for me. its like permission to have those oreos that have been staring me in the face. (have i mentioned my love for oreos?! favorite food ever. and ONE is 55 calories. gag.)

besides the second time being so difficult to do physically, it has been one of the most difficult emotional battles of my life. i don't even know how to express how hard it is emotionally for me. i think about it all. day. long. literally. i can't stand looking in the mirror. i wear the same 5 shirts because they are big enough to fit and nothing else is. i refuse to buy fat clothes because gosh darnit, i don't need them! i will lose this shit!

i cry about it all the time. i have complete emotional anxiety attacks about it probably once a week. i come up with a new game plan every other week. i try. and i fail. something comes up all the time. we are moving. its the holidays. we're moving again. new jobs. blah blah blah

i decide i can lose the weight one minute and then the next succumb to being fat forever. i hate posting pictures of myself because i am humiliated by the gain. everyone says "what fat" and i just think, i'm hiding it better than you realize. spanx. double tanktops. loose tops. whatever it takes.

i want to sit in sweatpants all day and never leave the house. i want to hide under the covers where no one can tell.

the hardest part about the second time is remembering the first time. before i lost the weight the first time, i had been fat for most of my life. i played softball as a kid but at 10, after a horrible situation with a coach, i quit. and stopped playing sports altogether. the weight started creeping up fast. its in my genes so it was natural and i paid little attention to it. i always knew i was overweight and didn't like going shopping with friends because it was embarrassing but i never paid much attention to how overweight i actually was.

a picture played a big factor in me starting weight watchers among other things but even then, it wasn't until i lost over 40 pounds and then looked back at old pictures that i realized just how overweight i had been all my life.

when you lose a significant amount of weight, you gain confidence. its natural. for once i was excited to go shopping. i felt good leaving the house. i actually wanted my picture taken instead of avoiding it or hiding behind someone skinnier. the point it is i remember how good skinny felt for me.

those memories make this the hardest emotional battle ever.

the day that i weighed in at my lowest weight ever happened to be a day i was taking a trip to tahoe for the day. i climbed up this mountain to what is supposedly the highest point to look out over lake tahoe from. and i felt so good about myself that day. it wasn't a particularly good day in my marriage but i can't even fully remember why because i just remember how amazing i felt.

i was wearing tight, short jean shorts and a tight, fitting pink top and i had just climbed to the top of a mountain without a care in the world and i felt on top of the world. my stomach was flat. i wasn't adjusting every 5 seconds to hide something. i felt fit. and i was so proud of myself. that was the main thing.

i just want that feeling back. so badly. but i have yet to find a system that works for me. and there have been so many life difficulties since gaining it back i struggle to stay on track for a long enough period of time. and i'm not being self-disciplined enough to push through those life difficulties without gaining back the 5 pounds i just fought to lose.

i am struggling. that's the moral of this whiny story.

i didn't mean to sound all self-pity-y. i hope i didn't. but this is real. this is what my everyday feels and looks like. this is what i hide from everyone but mike. this is the real stuff about having shitty metabolism and bad genes and having life knock you down a few too many times and the weight taking a hit accordingly. i wish my weight wasn't always so affected by life's ups and downs but that's me i guess.

i just have to find a way to overcome it and push past it. i have to find it in myself again to get there. this time without weight watchers. stay tuned for the reasons why...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Shop Update: June (part 1)

A quick mini update with just a couple more straps added for the sale. I have a bunch in the works that I am trying to get done quickly as well but for now, enjoy these! :)

Don't forget:
Happy Shopping!

Monday, June 10, 2013

list of happy (v. 7)

+ angel game with mike's fam
+ breakfast out
+ jamba juice
+ helping sis unpack her new house
+ cinnamon rolls
+ mike's brother in town
+ movie mini afternoon date
+ iron man 3
+ chipotle
+ huge work project mostly complete
+ first lesson at driving stick
+ time with my favorites
+ amazing blog friends who rally behind me
and support me no matter what
+ another lesson in being the bigger person
+ shop work
+ a new netflix show to become obsessed with
(watch Lie to Me if you need a new one! 
just finished all 3 seasons and its so so good!)

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Shop Update: May

This month is a little different due to the sale because I am trying to add new things as quick as my day job will allow me so there will be a couple shop update posts this month (i hope!).

for now, here are the 6 new straps listed for May. I have 2 more straps awaiting photos and then those will be listed as well as more straps ready to be ironed and sewn. Crazy month! (not to mention father's day, 4 birthdays, out of town visitors, 4 field trips a week at work, and a baby shower to plan. uh. yea.)

All base fabrics this update are a thicker cotton and there are 3 with ruffles and 3 without.

And don't forget about the big sale! This will be the last big one until Black Friday... only little ones in between so don't miss out :)
Happy Shopping!!


Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Its a Big! Sale!

i know i promised a shop update post for yesterday but i'm running a little behind. my day job is having a completely crazy week and it has slowed me down a bit for my night/weekend "job" (this shop i love so much!). 

the shop update post is coming but in the meantime, i wanted to make sure everyone knew about the big sale i am running for an entire month. yep. for all of june, take 30% off. 

get your cameras summer ready for vacations and weddings and shaved ice and fairs! your camera needs a little style too! :)

please don't hesitate to email me with any questions, requests, etc. 

happy hump day!

Monday, June 3, 2013

list of happy

+ mike's momma's birthday
+ cannoli 
+ bbq chicken at home
+ time with family
+ moving my sister into her first home
+  favorite new dress - 
business in the front, party in the back
+ new polka dot shorts
+ a dotty weekend i guess
+ tons of sewing
+ productivity for the win!
+ 15 new straps to go in the shop this week
+ start of a month long sale! (shop update & sale post tomorrow)
+ cinnamon bagels
+ chipotle
+ yogurtland
+ pink converse
+ mike's brother in town for a week
+ asiago cheese bread from panera (you gotta try it!)
+ target love

Thursday, May 30, 2013

on letting go...

Day 30, Thursday: React to this term: Letting Go

i feel like i've talked about letting go a couple different times on this blog. probably because letting go is what i had to do. the choice i had to make. and not an easy choice it was. but in hindsight, the best choice i could ever make for myself.

to me letting go takes strength. when some say you gave up or you should have tried harder, i see the strength behind those very hard days, nights, months of trying to decide to let go or hold on. and i commend those that hold on. that fight for their lives. it takes just as much strength but a different kind. l

letting go takes the strength to see that some things may never change. that you deserve better. that some people are toxic in your life. and that you have to fight for yourself. for you well being. for your happiness.

i have a friend that i have known since i was a child and i am currently finding myself in the position of needing to let her go. its a hard thing. one moment i completely grasp that she is toxic in my life and the next, i am dwelling on the history and the good times. but eventually, after so many years of ups and downs and being treated much less than you deserve; after so much energy and thought put into how to be better, how to make it better, how to be less frustrated and be more available, you have to realize its not all you. you have tried and fought and some people come into our lives for a reason or season. and that's all. and then you have to let go. because its just not good for you anymore.

letting go is sometimes about putting ourselves first. i am a person who is constantly concerned about what everyone else needs, what they feel, are the bummed? mad? disappointed? frustrated with me? how i can help them? how do i make it better for them? and i do this at the cost of myself. a lot.

letting go is sometimes simply just that. letting go of the things holding us back and having the strength to do so. whether that means moving on and away from a situation or moving on from the things that are upsetting us and being willing to move forward within the situation.

its such a simple term and yet holds so so much meaning.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

a picture is worth a thousand words. or something like that.

Day 28, Tuesday: Only pictures

to be honest, this prompt kind of stumped me. i mean i get pictures. totally. but what was i going to share that i haven't already? in reality i've shared all but one of these pictures at some point but since i was so stumped, i decided to go with 5 of my favorite pictures of 2013 so far. lame. but that's all i could think of...

March 4th, 2013 - first anniversary celebration day. M writing in the sand unprompted.

April 14th, 2013 - i don't know why this is a favorite but i think its the joy and light in his eyes when he plays with his puppy (he's calling to river at a park in this picture). i can't wait to see that joy in his eyes when we have human babies someday.

January 2013 - one of very few pictures of us together because one of us (usually me) is always behind the camera. but we got smart and set up the tripod here for a quick shot together with the ocean as our backdrop. plus my yellow jacket just rocks.

May 11th, 2013 - i did a little mini-photoshoot while we were at a 1st birthday party for this little girl and in the middle she did this. it cracks me up and i just love it. 

Easter 2013 - last but not least, these two that raised me and loved me on my best and worst days. and still do. i love my parents so much. and this picture of us that is just so... us.

more words than we were probably supposed to use but whatever.